[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
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I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.