Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
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Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON