HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I think I’m having a stroke
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.