I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Me driving through Toronto
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices