What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
58.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.