As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
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A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends