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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit