Denise please return my vape pen
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Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
#StillHurts
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My biological clock is wheezing.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.