What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.