bout dat hot dog summer
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.