I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
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“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
#Caturday
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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a
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we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.