One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
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@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I can’t wait!
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.