I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
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You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
God has left this place
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know