Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
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I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?