“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Feels like there should be a middle ground
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out