Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
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Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
can’t catch a break
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
What the hell happened in there??
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*