Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.