My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
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[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Saturday
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.