Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
this is how life feels
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Any refunds available?…
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats