Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
You Might Also Like
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?