I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
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Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My wedding will be open casket.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.