If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
i hate you platonically
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My love language is hissing.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
twitter is a journey