Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
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There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.