Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
So, can we agree on 4 or
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.