No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok