*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
You Might Also Like
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.