December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
let’s discuss
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Siri: Retweet me.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”