Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
twitter is a journey
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!