I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
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I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
greetings!
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur