Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
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What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
congratulations to them
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
🙁
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
#parenting
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.