I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive