Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.