Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
You Might Also Like
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.