I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?