A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
You Might Also Like
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
This kid is a star!
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”