I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
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if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
❤️🦆
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.