Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
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Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Tough love is true love
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes