Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
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Being rude underwater is snarkeling
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’d … I’d rather not.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.