What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.