“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺