5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
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*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
True statement👍😏😁
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.