I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
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Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.