I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
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Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
May have had one breakfast too many
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
See..?
.