imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Alexa: *deep breath*
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.