When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
#Caturday
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.