My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
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adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.