“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.