[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
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A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”