Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something