My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”